01 January 2022
I am sad. I woke up asking why am I so sad?. I don’t know why. It’s been raining whole day, but that is just coincidental. I have been sad, scared for months and years now. In the last few months it just got worse. I don’t know what was the trigger.
I have probably the best job I ever had. A nice place to stay. A nice city. I thought finally things are falling into places. Instead, it just got worse.
My anxiety shot up. To avoid hearing my heart pound, I am tiring myself to death. I can generally forget stuff when I am cutting wood, screwing things. As long as I can silence my brain.
This time the whole thing wrapped up in fearing about health. The fear about losing job, or remaining stuck in a bad one, living in an undesirable place are all gone. Just health. People keep on asking me how am I doing. I am afraid to say I am doing well. I am one blood work away from a complete meltdown.
I am trying to dig up how did I end up here. How did I end up wrapped all up inside of myself, and can’t get out.
I fear uncertainty. I fear my life would end before it started. I am afraid of melting into insignificance. I fear people would be relieved on the day I die. The old witch is dead. In part I also want that. I can’t carry their expectation anymore. The main problem is I don’t know how to live this life without “requirements” from others.
Last few years I have been trying to live with a few of my own requirements. And I am afraid. I am not sure how to navigate. I keep putting these requirements of a perfect health to create a scenario that I am comfortable with. Do the “have to’s” rather than “want to’s”.
I forgot most of my childhood, teenage years or anytime really. I just barely remember essence of it all.
I was always scared. I was always